Now, to return for a moment to the not-so-cottony-soft toilet tissue (made from unbleached, recycled paper) that Dr. Wife, MD., makes us use in our house. The question of whether Al Gore too has a chapped butt has been haunting me. So being an professional journalist, I have decided to ask him myself. Here is the e-mail I plan to send. (Note the green font. I think he'll like that.)
Dear Mr. Gore,
Dude, congrats on that peace prize. A lot of war and strife has been put to rest all over the place thanks to your work on the environment. Oh, and sorry about that electoral college thing from a while back. I'm TOTALLY sorry that I voted for Nader. I'll never do it again, I swear. If I'd have lost the election the way you did, I completely would have packed on the pounds, too. What's your biggest vice, Klondike Bars? Mine is Ben & Jerry's. By the way, you might remember seeing my face on security photos from outside your mansion in Nashville recently. I'm sorry you couldn't come to the door. (Shameless plug alert:) If you read chapter 2 in my book, Greasy Rider, available in bookstores early next month, you'll find out what I wanted to talk to you about. Anyway, I have a question for you. Do you use regular toilet paper, or that ultra-green recycled stuff that they sell at those organic stores? I use the organic stuff. My wife makes me. It's a little rough. Now I sit kind of funny. Please tell me I'm not alone. You talk about how we all have to make personal sacrifices in our lives, for the sake of the earth, and for the sake of our kids and grandchildren. I've followed your advice because I know you're making those everyday sacrifices, like how you and Tipper...um...uh...um. Exactly what sacrifices do you make? Maybe you can jot down a list during some idle time on your private jet. In fact, maybe your private jet's bathroom has organic toilet paper! Like, I'm thinking that maybe you and Tipper hang your laundry from clothes lines on your mansion's Great Lawn. Or you scrape food scraps into a compost bin after dinner. I bet you totally ride your bike everywhere on your estate's property, too. What kind of bike do you own? You and I both know so well that the only way this movement can get off the ground is for our leaders to show us through their own example of the decisions and small sacrifices we must make. Well, that's about all for now. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
I'll inform you as soon as Al writes me back.